please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize