theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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