So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
