Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
