I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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