i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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