pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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