she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
