if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
