hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
