i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
