getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
