So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
