There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
