There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
