we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Randomize
