After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
