Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
