my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
