I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
