I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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