Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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