do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
