I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
