I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
