in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
