He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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