Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
