Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
