i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There's always time for handjobs
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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