Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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