i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
