i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Where is the hickey?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
