dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
