Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
