She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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