so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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