I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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