Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
