Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
