I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
