the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
