Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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