I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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