you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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