Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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