Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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