I puked a lego.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
