My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
