Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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