my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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