My hand turned me down
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
