yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
