Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
