I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
