Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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