i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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