i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
