I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
